…that SOME DAY, it’ll be great. That some day I’ll be rich. That some day, I’ll stop struggling.
Consciously and intellectually I do realise that some day has to be now, if I ever want to have that experience in my life. Of wealth, health and calmness. Instead of stress, disease and poverty.
TODAY – I took the leap (FINALLY) to try out Gaia (the “spiritual netflix place), which I’ve been eyeing for years now. Maybe 2-3 years. However old it is, I don’t know.
For quite a while, anyway.
I binged a couple of things..
I watched a show called Chasing the Present for starters. Then I listened to a meditation with a visualisation for connecting with your higher self. And then I saw a breathing exercise to help calm you, and connect more with your body, and THEN I started a series called the Abundance code.
There’s a lot of great stuff on there, and I can’t believe I’ve been waiting for so long to get it.
Everything I’ve watched today has told me (again), that I am really the creator of my life experience.
And I have been working on that for so long now, that I believe it a 100% with my consciousness – intellectually. And I do believe that I am almost there in my beliefs as well.
Late night discussion with my husband
Yesterday – or the night before today – between 1 am and 5 am, I had a conversation with my husband. Let me start out by saying that we communicate very well. We are excellent listeners and talkers with each other. We want what’s beach for one another, and I love that.
But – we have VERY different view on “how life works”. And I have started this spiritual journey since 2016, I think – ever so slowly in the beginning, with my friend introducing me to the word “manifestation” and what that was about. And then talks about limiting beliefs or “blocks” that holds us back from living the life we want, etc.
Fast forward to now, and I am a fully blown spiritual warrior, ON THE INSIDE, until today.
I have lived with my husband for 14 years, and he’s a very analytical, factual scientific sort of guy – which I love about him. And he’s very strong in his beliefs and never fears talking about what he thinks is right, which I also love about him. I think it’s so awesome and inspiring to see him be himself in such a steadfast manner. I cannot imagine anything really shake that man’s foundation.
Anyhoo – I have grown up as a people pleaser. Believing that my purpose was to make sure that everyone around me should feel comfortable, and that it was my job (excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little). So I have felt very uncomfortable standing up for my self most of my life, because “what if they got angry at me, or disappointed, or bla bla bla”.
My fear of rejection
So in any situation, where anyone, really, have had a different opinion than me, I have always felt the compulsion to agree with them – at least to their face. Or just not voice my opinion, and hope they wouldn’t notice that I had a different one than theirs.
And with my husband being a sceptic about anything religious or spiritual, I have never mustered up the courage to really voice my beliefs as they evolved. I have never verbalised my opinions about spirituality, or curiously discussed them at home. Because I had the feeling that I’d be dismissed, ridiculed, or even abandoned.
Somehow we came upon the topic, and I opened up about my thoughts and beliefs.
I did not get abandoned. But I did feel dismissed and I did feel ridiculed. But as I look upon our conversation now, I realise that I, as the receiver of his thoughts and opinions, make stories in my own head, as to how important that is to me. We also talked about that, and agreed that we were both very triggered while having the conversation.
(I have a feeling I have to defend my husband in this story at all times… Well – let me just do it once and for all… I love him, he’s awesome, we think differently, and we communicate very well, and never really argue – we disagree and discuss things – so everything I am writing about here, is my own interpretation of everything that is going on in my mind. Thank you…)
About feeling dismissed and ridiculed, have been stories that I have built up in my mind. And the way he reacted was a confirmation bias to my beliefs. Well – I had a feeling he would disagree with me, and I felt the way he was talking to me was negative.
All is well
But I didn’t die. I didn’t explode. I didn’t get abandoned. I didn’t become homeless. The worst that happened was that we stayed up waaaay too late, and had some negative emotions.
But the great thing was, that I learned that I wouldn’t die by voicing my opinions and my beliefs. I wouldn’t die by making my husband uncomfortable in my presence. Isn’t that something.
Trying out Gaia is really me not giving a fuck anymore
And that gets me to where I FINALLY try out Gaia, because I now feel like “I’m allowed” to study more about spirituality, manifestation and personal growth in any kind of fun and woowoo way I want to. Which seems so ridiculous now, because I’ve always been allowed, but I have just stopped myself, due to my limiting beliefs.
And it has definitely gotten me a WHOLE LOT CLOSER to the place of not giving a fuck. Or at least being conscious about the fucks I give.
SO – if some behaviour of mine costs me more, in mental and spiritual health, it is not worth the fucks I have to give. Not even to my husband.
I definitely woke up a different woman today. Wow.
Can you in any way relate to this story?