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Do you know the feeling – you’re on this IMMENSE and NEVER-ENDING spiritual journey, and your mind just keeps blowing up in your face!?
That is basically what is happening to me right now.
There are SOOOOO many things about my past life… well, my life up until now… that make so much sense!
1. I wait…
This is me – in perpetuity. I wait….
When you read that, what do you FEEL in your stomach about my situation (let’s say you’re an empath, and you kind’a always scan your surroundings..) So, when I say “I wait – for my life – in perpetuity…” How does that make you feel?
I am getting to know what it actually means for me.
How it feels for me, is utter hopelessness. I can’t do anything. I have to wait for others indefinitely, because my life is in the hands of other people. I might as well not do anything for me, because I have to wait for other people’s permission or accept.
I recently realised (again), just how much I wait for other people. It has NOTHING to do with what other people are doing – but 100% to do with how little I value myself compared to how much I value others.
I thought I had been through this, some time ago, but it recently came up again, in a new situation, and OH MAN, I am not over it just yet.
But since it has surfaced in my conscious mind, I KNOW it’s because I get to work on it now. I get to clean it out and eliminate it from my life.
I am so painfully aware of how much I have been waiting, it’s ridiculous. It has made me cry in agony over the lost years in my life, but at the same time extremely grateful for coming up now, and not later. I’m 39 – just for reference.
I have been practicing noticing my emotions – and I recently started feeling negative emotions – and that was one of the things that came up.
I was setting EVERYTHING in my own happy life aside, because I was waiting for other people to need me. It hurts!
What I am doing now, is cleaning those emotions up, decluttering my feelings around that, and letting go of the need to feel that ever again. I practice intense self forgiveness, using the ho’oponopono methods.
I’ve read these very useful books (affiliate links), that have introduced me to the method:
Basically saying: “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. And thank you.” To myself and the situation and everyone and everything involved.
2. So I might as well not do anything that feels good to me…
Because doing things that feels good to me, might take me away from “the waiting for people.”
Somehow, I have been conditioned/domesticated into being someone that is just someone else’s tool. Someone’s ladder to step on. Someone’s rug to dry off your dirty feet on.
I am well versed in being around negative people, and it is the most draining thing ever – and yet, it seems that it is my “calling” to enable negativity, and disregard things, that may improve my own well-being.
It sounds completely ridiculous, but it is 100% what is going on under my hood – that I am only realising now!
Okay – I am learning these things now – and I’ll just let you in on my stream of consciousness – this is, by the way, one of the best ways to SEE what is going on in your mind, if you don’t have a clue…
“I equate other people’s wishes and wants from me as something that drains me. Usually when people have wanted my time and energy, it has been a drain on me. (Obviously not ALL the time – but it is my expectations speaking here…)
I have been unable to set boundaries, because I have had to be there for others. I know where those lacking boundaries come from, MOM! (may she rest in peace).
I have to sacrifice my own health, time and energy in order to be SURE that other people get what they need and want.
I have THE RESPONSIBILITY to make SURE that EVERYONE is HAPPY and FEELING GOOD, except myself, because I’m not important.
So I have to pick up people who feel bad. I have to try and make people feel better, by DOING something. And as the world is full of bad-feeling folk, I cannot rest. I cannot ever think of myself first.”
Ok… end of stream of consciousness.. Jesus Christ!
So – what I am gathering from this, as I re-read it, is that I have some baggage. haha, who would have known. *rolls eyes*. Anyway…!
I both love and hate realising these things, and opening up to feel and discover the meaning of my feelings – because they help me observe what is really going on.
My (conscious) beliefs…
I believe that I (and everyone) is part of cosmos, just having a human experience. I’m vibrations shaped like this human being that identifies herself as Parnuuna.
When I was made human, I started being affected by the other humans around me. I took form after their vibrations. And as I didn’t have any experience as a newborn, I didn’t judge what I was affected by. I took it in as THE human experience.
In (my) reality, I just accepted whatever the humans around me believed was true.
“oh – that is called red? Alright, it’s called red now.” =truth.
“oh – I’m not a cat – I am a human? Alright, I’m a human.” =truth.
“oh – I have to sacrifice my own well-being, so others can feel slightly better? Alright, I will sacrifice my own well-being, so others can feel slightly better.” =truth.
“oh – I have to ask permission to do the most basic human things, such as pee or eat? Alright, I have to ask permission to do the most basic human things.” =truth
So basically in my case, I have to ask permission to human. And I have to sacrifice myself for others.
So OBVIOUSLY other people are the bad guys in my world.
There’s a reason, that I want to be self-employed, and be free of the expectations from everyone. (I’m saying this in exasperation).
There’s a reason I’ve been seen as introverted and quiet. BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT PEOPLE TO EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ME, BECAUSE I HAD LEARNED THAT I COULD NOT SET BOUNDARIES: Jesus fucking Christ, my brain is kind of boiling over with these realisations, and they’re getting the FUCK outta here! 😀
Alright – so you get that my mind is blown. XD
Do you ever dig around in your own brain, and observe your patterns and emotions closely, so you can find those buggers and kick them out of your life?
Here’s to getting my mind blown in perpetuity! 😀
ps. wanna be pen pals? ☟